You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
