I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
