Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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