I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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