I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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