i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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