i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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