Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
