I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Hippo gnu deer
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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