i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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