i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
