Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
