The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
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