I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
