There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just gift wrapped bread.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
