I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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