This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
