Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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