Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
