Only a mothe r could love this liver
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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