So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
