The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
