ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
