I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
