i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
