I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
4 words: hood of his car
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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