I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
