one word: firstdatebathroomanal
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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