i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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