There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
