If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
