You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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