the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
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