this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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