dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
