Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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