I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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