i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
