do herpes really smell.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
