Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
