I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
