I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
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