if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Ketchup is God's man juice
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Randomize
