I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
