We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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