You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
