i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
My dick has a subreddit
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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