Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
