Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
