Soap is not a condiment
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
