38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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