We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
