don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
