i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
