Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
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